She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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