Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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