I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
