I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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