I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
