I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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