If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
