you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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