My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
