M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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