Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Still dying that you shit outside
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
