I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
