you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.