just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.