so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she smelled like a LAN party
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
