I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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