I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
