Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
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