My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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