did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
