Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
