When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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