Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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