literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
