I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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