They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
