Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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