I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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