Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
