Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
