You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan