I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
