I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
