saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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