He uses pillows to masturbate.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
