then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm lost and stupid without you.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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