3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
