Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
