ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
