apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
