Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
