He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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