I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
