Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize