My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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