I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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