and my herpes radar will keep us safe
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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