Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
