the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
