the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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