I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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