It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
