we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
