She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
