Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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