was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
