I haven't been this sober since birth.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
