the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
