I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
