YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
