im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
