the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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