I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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